My daughter next to the Cinderella Wishing Well in Magic Kingdom.
For many years I hated Mother’s Day. I thought my body hated me, God hated me, and life was just not fair. I ached to be a mom. Every Mother’s Day as we sat in church and they passed out flowers to all the moms I would sit and sob silently hoping no one would look at me. Even Christmas was painful. Mary was good enough to become pregnant with Jesus. I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t carry a child.
I had to make peace with my body, with my heart, and my mind. I remember standing in next to the Cinderella Wishing Well in Magic Kingdom almost 20 years ago now. I tossed coins in every wishing well and fountain I passed all the time with always the same wish, “I want to be a mom.” This time was different though. As I tossed the coins into the fountain I suddenly felt a very calm feeling come over me instead of the wracking sobs that usually accompanied these moments.
I suddenly heard in my head “You can be a mother. You just need to give up control.” I turned and said, “It is okay now. ” All during these five years we talked about how my partner never really had a desired to carry a child. She wanted children but I was the one who had the overwhelming desire to carry them. As time wore on she told me that if we decided that she needed to carry the child she would but that I had to be ready for that and that I needed to be to a point to be okay with her carrying them.
We stood at that fountain talking for quite a while that how when we went home we would call the doctor and begin the process for her to carry the child. We didn’t know how it would go but I was now willing to give up control. This was February and by August she was pregnant. Thankfully she loved being pregnant and I was over joyed at the idea of becoming a mom. I may not have carried my children in my body but I carried them in my heart before they were born.
I am their Mom.
To each person who carries the title Mom, Like a Mom, My Other Mom, or fulfills those roles I wish you Happy Mother’s Day. To those still struggling to become a mom I hold you in my heart and wish you peace and hope in your journey.